How to Get Your Spouse to do More Housework!

My husband is a stud. Really though! He is a natural at marriage. From the moment we got married it was as though marriage fit him like a comfy pair of tennis shoes--so well, and without rubbing the wrong way. He shines in so many areas and one of those areas is gratitude. It's just his way-of-life to say "thank you", which is nice, because as they say "being a stay-at-home-mom is a thankless job!" And there's definitely truth to that--like when all you have at home is a non-verbal infant whose best version of reciprocity is to "return" the applesauce you gave her by spitting it all over your face. . . But staying at home doesn't have to be totally thankless, thanks to husbands :)

It helps that my husband is observant--he notices things. He notices if I've cleaned the house. . .or part of the house. . .or just vacuumed. I'm sure he also notices when I don't clean the house, but he has a positive attitude and chooses not to dwell on that. One of the things that just warms my heart, actually stems from me having a rough day. . .or at least a not-well-planned day. Sometimes me and the kids hang out at home just long enough to mess up the house. We take off to run errands and then it seems we return home just in time to add to the mess--by making dinner. On some of those days, the bed is even left unmade, there are toys all over the house, the bathroom is a mess, there are dirty diapers on the change table and the kitchen is in shambles.

Then my knight in shining armor walks in the door with a big smile on his face and expressions of love on his lips. Our little girl wraps her arms around his neck for a big welcome home hug. Our baby smiles, coos, and claps. If we're really on top of it, we'll greet him with a chorus of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". I give him a hug and a kiss. We're all glad he's home. He doesn't mention a thing about the state of the house. Instead, he gives me a long hug, tells me he loves me and that he's happy to see me. As he walks into the bedroom to put his things down, he lays his backpack down on the unmade bed and notices beside it, a laundry basket. The laundry is clean. . .and dry, but that's all it is. It's not folded or put away, it's just a tangled mess that's accumulating wrinkles. Of the plethora of comments he could choose to make at that moment, he just says cheerfully "thanks for doing the laundry!"

Can I just tell you how very loved that makes me feel? Just moments before, I was feeling a little vulnerable because "why did I even bother doing the laundry if I couldn't do it all the way?" (my thoughts). In stark contrast to my insecurities, I now feel validated for my efforts. I feel safe--safe in my home, safe being myself, safe with my spouse. Have I ever heard him say "what do you do all day?" Never. (And I don't expect to--he protects my feelings . . .and he has spent time with the children, so he knows how high maintenance they are and how it takes at least 4x longer to get anything done when the girls are circling around like hungry sharks.)

Here are my two cute little handfuls!

Anyway, you know what's remarkable about his comment besides the fact that it's totally sweet and selfless? It's motivating! It makes me want to do better! No amount of nitpicking could possibly make me want to do better at cleaning, scheduling my day, or using the girls' nap times more wisely, but sincere expressions of gratitude are addictive! I just want more! In fact, I so appreciate being appreciated that I have often been laughed at for saying "thanks for thanking me!" But I mean it! Not only am I motivated to do better because I think the words "thank you" sound good together, but I'm motivated because he's so good at making me feel happy and loved--I just want to do the same for him! As a side note--it's nice to know that it's possible to make him happy. It's not a losing battle, instead nearly every effort seems to be worthwhile.

Other expressions of gratitude  from my thankful spouse include "thanks for cleaning the house" (yes, that happens too), "thanks for breakfast" (sometimes even when it's just cold cereal--that makes me smile), thanks for dinner (even when I can tell it's not his favorite) "thanks for taking good care of the kids". . . and the list goes on.

Even though I'm not perfect, rather than picking from a list of flaws as long as my arm, my husband gives me the benefit of the doubt that I'm trying. And I don't have to do my "absolute best" either--in fact, he has communicated that he prefers I don't. His love for me is not conditioned on my doing my absolute best--he loves me unconditionally, and he wants me to know that. So my "reasonable best" is good enough. giving my absolute best is risky! Sure, the house might be clean, but my perfectionistic tendencies (along with my stress level) would be sky high. When stress is high, sanity and happiness are low. That's problematic for both of us because my husband has adopted the adage: "Happy wife, happy life". I like that! But I think "happy spouse, happy life", though not rhyming, is closer to the truth.  That way, each other's happiness is in both of our best interests.

In conclusion: as long as my husband and I try our reasonable best to keep each other's happiness in mind, not forgetting to use a healthy helping of "thank-you's", I think we'll continue to be each other's favorite happy thoughts. . .and the house will probably look as good as it's gonna get!